Sarah's Story

I am going to tell Sarah’s Story:

It is just that - a story that may go some way into understanding not only the process behind an adopted person's search for their roots, but the thoughts and feelings too.

You have started this journey that will lead you into the unknown. You have applied for your original birth certificate and have received your counselling.

Sarah was scared once she applied for her file. She wondered if it was the right thing to do after all this time. In the time it took for her file to arrive with the counsellor. She sat and waited, and imagined all sorts. When the day arrived she got the collywobbles but went along anyway.

Maybe that counsellor will tell you things from your file that you were not aware of.
When Sarah left the meeting a couple of hours later, her mind was in a whirl, and her hand held tightly to a plastic folder containing information that the counsellor had photocopied for her. Her mind was stuffed to bursting with thoughts.

Take time to absorb and talk with your loved ones about what you have learned so far. Does it alter what you do next?
Sarah wasn’t sure if she felt she was really a 'Jeanette', she far preferred the name Sarah, given to her by her adoptive parents, and wondered why her birth mother had chosen Jeanette. Later, after putting her children to bed, she and her husband sat and talked about what she'd been told, and she shared with him the snippets of information that the birth papers contained. Sarah wasn't surprised that her birth mother wasn't married; she'd always been told that by her adoptive Mum and Dad. What she did find hard was that her birth mother had given another child for adoption, some years earlier, and although she was unmarried at the time of Sarah’s birth, she had been married and had an older son of that marriage. It suddenly occurred to Sarah that having thought her mother was unmarried, she was in fact divorced. Having gone into that meeting thinking she was the child of an unmarried mother, she'd come out knowing she was the third child of a divorcee.

Find a large note book and write down everything you now know to be fact, along with the things you thought you knew, and note down the way these things could have progressed.

Sarah headed up some pages in a note book, and wondered if she'd ever find out anything to write on the pages after she'd headed them up. Looking at the notes that the counsellor had given her, it occurred to her that the half brother, who was 14 at the time of her birth, must know of her existence surely? Where is he now? Will he want to know me? On “birth mother’s” page she stated to write down her thoughts. Did she ever marry again? What became of her? Who was she married to before she was born? Who did she marry after if she did, and in capital letters, WHERE IS SHE NOW? She also headed up a page, “my father”. Although she wasn’t sure of his name, the counsellor had given her some clues as there was a reference to the other child given for an adoption. A page was headed “my sister”, followed by the words who is SHE now?

Having given some though as to what may or may not have happened and to satisfy your curiosity, try and see the place that was given as the birth mother’s address at the time of your birth, especially if you think it was her home.
Sarah and her husband Joe planned a weekend away as Sarah was born some distance from where she now lived. The children were excited at the thought of a weekend with Granny and off Sarah and Joe went happy in the knowledge that they had time to explore. They travelled and managed to find the house that Sarah's birth mother had lived in at the time of her birth. It felt strange to think that her birth mother had walked across that doorstep and along the very road on which they were standing. The house was nothing outstanding, just an ordinary house in an ordinary street. Leaving the car in that very street, Sarah and her husband walked into the town centre, as no doubt her birth mother had done so very many times.

Take your note book with you, note down anything you find, and use the information in it to explore local sources of information, you may not get the chance again.
They found the local library and went upstairs to the reference section and looked in the electoral rolls, there she was: 1961, Barbara Bowen, 22 West St, Rosetown. Who was this? In the same house was an Ellen Keer... who was Ellen Keer? Sarah remembered in her notes, one of the reason given for her adoption, was that Barbara had been told by her mother that she couldn’t keep her baby. Barbara had also said that she had to care for her elderly mother. Was this the name of the elderly Grandmother that had so not loved her? Joe and Sarah hauled copy after copy of the electoral roll down from the shelves. Sarah went on from 1961 and Joe went back, noting that Barbara and Ellen had lived there together for some years. When they got back to 1958 they happened across a George Keer at the same address - who was he? Still plodding back, Joe managed to establish that Barbara had indeed lived there when her second child was born, along with this George and Ellen Keer. Sarah went forwards and following carefully through, continued to track the existence of Barbara at that same address, and came across a Michael Bowen that suddenly appeared on the list in 1965, a quick calculation in her head reminded Sarah that being 14 at the time of her birth, this Michael was her half brother!

Don’t try and do too much at once. Take your time and stay and stay focused. Take time out to think through what you have found, and the implications of it.
Joe feels that Sarah is finding things and will become confused if she continues. He suggests they go and have some lunch and some time out. Sarah would really just like to stay here and search, but realises both she and Joe are actually quite hungry. Time has flown by! Over lunch they talk about the weather, No of course they don’t! They talk about what they have found and what they now know. Sarah starts a new page and writes down the facts that they seem to have established and what ends need tying off for today. After lunch they go back to the library and finish off looking through the electoral rolls.

Take time again to sort your facts, wonder how you feel about them, what to do next and where to go for that information.
Some days later Sarah takes time out, in a quiet moment, to look at the book. She considers what she has found, simply through close examination of the electoral Roll. The names, what they mean, who was who and why. 1956: Barbara at 22 west St, also George Keer & Ellen Keer 1958: Barbara still there, likewise Ellen, but George is gone 1959-1964: Ellen & Barbara remain there 1965: Ellen disappears, still Barbara remains 1967: Michael appears with Barbara 1969 Barbara remains, Michael is still there, Simon appears (who is Simon?) 1971: they all have gone, new names at that address. What a lot to take in.

Next step is checking that the facts you have found are correct, before moving on and forming assumptions. Check now rather than come unstuck later.
Sarah got herself some credit on an internet website and started to hunt around the dates where things changed, in the births deaths and marriage sections. She knew that in 1958 George Keer had ceased to appear on the electoral roll at 22 West Styles, there in the death index was his death, and she noted the reference numbers in readiness to order the certificate. Looking again for a death, yes there in 1965 is the death of Ellen. She looked and looked for the births of Michael and Simon, and still drew blanks in the right area. She did spot that there were a couple of births up North in the right names, with the maiden name Keer, so again noted the references. "Cripes, this is going to be expensive," she thought! But to know that she had found half siblings she knew it was something she had to do.

Focus your search and try to keep costs down.
Sarah went on looking though the birth, death and marriage registers with a fine toothcomb, day after day, wondering and thinking that she was going to stumble across the death of her birth mother. No. What she did happen across was a marriage in the area. Right name, but in 1970, not 1971. She notes the reference for the bride and cross references it with a name for the groom. Sarah shows her list to Joe, although he is behind her research every step of the way, he suggests getting the marriage certificate first, and letting the others wait a bit; George and Ellen are dead, nothing will change that.

Send for what you can when you can, going first for the items that will add something to your search in terms of progress, rather than just confirmation of fact at this stage.
Sarah sends for the marriage certificate that she is sure is her birth mother and waits for it to arrive. It seems like forever and she so wants to send for more, especially the birth certificates for Simon and Michael. Funds just don’t permit that right now, so they'll have to wait. Sarah is anxious to know about the child her birth mother gave for adoption before she was born. Again she looks through the birth registers, not really sure what she is looking for. She finds a girl born about the right time, mother’s name matches and so does that maiden name. Joe agrees that she should send for this certificate now!

Prepare yourself for every eventuality when waiting for certificates and other records to arrive.

Sarah waited for what seemed like an age, until the day the marriage certificate landed on her doormat. For a while she couldn’t open it. What if it was wrong, what if it was right? Finally she did open it, and saw her birth mother’s name. Barbara Bowen née Keer and the name of her groom, Anthony Russell, fathers name matched and the address given for the bride - 22 West Street. Sarah was elated, she'd actually found documentary evidence for herself!

Never be afraid to get back to your counsellor. He/she will always be glad to hear from you as to how things are going, and for any advice or support you need.
Sarah decided, being so pleased with herself, that she'd ring her counsellor. She told her of how she'd got on and that she'd now got a marriage certificate and her counsellor was pleased for her. Not being able to see the wood for the trees the counsellor was able to put Sarah back on the right track as to where to look next, which Sarah hadn’t really realised. She had an address for the groom at the time of marriage so it was back to the electoral rolls to hunt him out!

There are times when you need to back track and look at sources you thought you'd looked at and finished with.
Sarah was eager to get back to Rosetown to once again scour the electoral registers. “How lucky was she that her birth mother had re-married in the same town? Very”, she thought.

Sarah realised that the address for address for Anthony Russell was in fact in the next town to Rosetown. She rang the library to check, and was delighted to find they were held in the same place as those for Rosetown. Off she and Joe went again hoping that she might strike gold again. And they did... There in black and white was Anthony Russell at the address he gave on the marriage certificate, for 4 years before the marriage. Not only that, but Sarah was lost for the right words when at the same address from the year of the marriage there was a Mrs Barbara Russell. She carefully followed through subsequent years. Anthony disappeared early in the 1990s but Barbara remained there until the current electoral role - Sarah realised at that point just how near she was to finding her birth mother. Having come this far, she was terrified.

When making that initial approach, try and allow the counsellor to make the initial approach for you; they know the way, the right words and have a greater chance of success.
Full of fear and yet elation, the very next day Sarah rang her counsellor. What ever should she do? She felt so near, having found out that her birth mother was within reach as it were and yet she was scared to take that final step. Was it what she really wanted? Did she want to step back over that line, with all the fears of rejection utmost in her mind? After all, her birth mother hadn't wanted her then; she might not want her now. The counsellor actually said very little, she just listened. She asked Sarah what she wanted to do, it was her decision, and if she so chose, she could do nothing. Sarah decided she'd take some time to think and decide what she'd do now. Could she willingly set herself up for a painful fall? Was it really worth it? She had a Mum and Dad that loved her, what more did she want?

Take time to assess what you really want. If finding out about a birth parent is all you want, don’t feel you have to meet them, and certainly don’t push yourself into doing something you feel you ought to do, rather than what you want to do.
Sarah, after much thought, decided that she wished to try and make contact with her birth mother. But how? She sat with endless pieces of note paper and began to try and write a letter. How on earth should she start? Dear Mum wasn't right, Dear Birth Mother - that sounded so odd. Dear Barbara? Maybe... Dear Mrs Russell? No, nothing sounded right. She decided to leave the heading for now, and just write the letter... again and again she screwed up pieces of paper, just not getting it right. Just what should she put? I am your daughter? I was your daughter? I am Sarah? I am Jeanette? I was Jeanette?? Heaven only knows which was right!

If you are still unsure, take advantage of the experience of your counsellor - remember they are not as emotionally attached as you and may be able to make a better approach as a professional than you can. You may only get one go at an approach, get it wrong and you can’t undo it.
Sarah got in touch with her counsellor again. The counsellor asked her to come to the office with the information she had gathered. Sarah was more than happy to do this - she hoped the counsellor would be able to tell her what to do! In she went and went through the information, telling the counsellor some of her thoughts and feelings as she did so. Given the time and expense Sarah had incurred, the counsellor was of the opinion in her own mind that Sarah probably did want to try and meet her birth mother if it was possible, or certainly open some kind of communication. She offered to write a letter on Sarah’s behalf to her birth mother, which Sarah thought was an excellent idea. Sarah's only hesitation was exactly what the counsellor would actually put in that letter. “No problem”, said the counsellor. “I'll write it and run it past you first”.

Sarah left the counsellor's office feeling much better. She felt that someone else really understood her hesitation and inability to write the unwritable letter for fear of saying the wrong thing. A couple of days later, the counsellor did ring, and read out the proposed letter, Sarah listened ...and cried. It was absolutely right in what it said, and Sarah agreed that the counsellor should send it on its way, that very day.

Remember, patience is a virtue! It may have taken you many months to get together all your information; you have had time to think out your thoughts. One day this letter drops on your birth mother’s doormat, please allow her time to think about what she wants to do - very few reply the next day. After all, it is not an easy time for them either. Whatever they put in their reply to you has the potential to turn their whole world upside down.
Sarah waited, sometimes patiently, others days quite annoyed, because Barbara didn’t reply.

“How long does it take for someone to answer a letter?” she thought.

Irrespective of what reply Sarah got from that letter, we'll leave her there for the time being.

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